Laura Resnick - Those Rowdy Royals!.pdf

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Those Rowdy Royals!
by Laura Resnick
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Copyright (c)1995 Laura Resnick
First published in Alien Pregnant by Elvis!; DAW Books, June 1994
Fictionwise Contemporary
Science Fiction/Alternate History
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THE MEDIEVAL TIMES, c. 1152
"An Annulment Is Announced"
After long and detailed negotiations, the Queen Consort and His Royal Majesty
Louis VII of France have resolved to annul their marriage. The Queen Consort
is expected to wed Henry, Duke of Normandy, before the end of the year -- a
less-than-stunning match, according to royal analysts.
For an incisive study of the effect these events are expected to have
on the stability of the florin against the dinar, please turn to the financial
section.
* * * *
THE NORMAN RAG
"Queen Claims: Those Children I Bore Weren't Mine!"
Having been caught _in flagrante delicto_ with that rogue the Duke of
Normandy, Eleanor of Aquitaine (rumored to be thirty years old, despite her
claims to the contrary) has filed for an annulment. Can we expect His Holiness
the Pope to overlook the veritable herd of children Eleanor has borne to her
hapless husband, the King of France? Can the royal couple reasonably claim
non-consummation with so many of their heirs playing Crusaders 'n' Saracens in
the back yard? Is the heir-apparent to the throne of France really the son of
the castle chimney sweep? And will the Duke of Normandy, barely nineteen years
old, really fess up and marry the Queen Consort?
* * * *
THE ANGLO-SAXON STAR
"Caught In The Act!"
Eleanor of Aquitaine and Henry of Normandy were caught being more than a
little careless while vacationing at an exclusive seaside resort near Calais
last week. Recently separated from King Louis, Eleanor was supposedly resting
in seclusion while awaiting her annulment papers.
Instead, one of the _Star's_ most reliable artists found the
soon-to-be-former Queen of France lounging fountainside with none other than
the handsome Duke of Normandy himself. As you can plainly see from the
exclusive drawings below, _this_ relationship is most clearly a consummated
one!
* * * *
THE EVENING JESTER
"Palace Promises Purge!"
Sources at the French court report that King Louis suffered an
uncharacteristic fit of rage upon seeing yesterday morning's edition of _The
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Anglo-Saxon Star_, in which exclusive drawings (whose veracity has not yet
been confirmed) depict the Lady Eleanor (surely, no _lady_) and the young
Duke of Normandy performing exactly the same act that Eleanor claims _not_ to
have performed with hubby Louis, despite the many children she bore him during
their marriage.
King Louis has publicly threatened to cut off Eleanor's allowance. Will
the Duke of Normandy still buzz around this aging blossom when her pollen
dries up? And will the taxpayers still meekly sweat and toil in the fields of
France when they realize that _they're_ the ones financing these shenanigans?
* * * *
THE MEDIEVAL TIMES, C. 1153
"A New Heir Is Announced"
Henry, Duke of Normandy, has been acknowledged by Stephen as heir to the
throne of England.
For an analysis of how this will effect the ducat, please turn to the
financial section.
* * * *
THE COURTLY CHRONICLE
"We Have A New Heir!"
Having finally made an honest woman of Eleanor of Aquitaine last year, Henry
of Normandy finds himself in the headlines once again. The brash young duke
has recently landed on the shores of England and forced Stephen (remember
him?) to acknowledge Henry as his heir.
* * * *
THE NORMAN RAG
"Alchemist Predicted It All!"
In a late-breaking story, one of the _Rag's_ top journalists has learned that
Alphonse the Magnificent, formerly of "Merlin's Travelling Circus and
Sideshow," predicted the succession of Henry to the throne of England, as well
as his marriage to the former Queen of France.
What does this wizard see in his crystal ball regarding the royal
couple's future? For an exclusive prediction of the volatile pair's destiny,
clip out the attached coupon and send it with one ha' penny to the _Rag's_
London offices.
Offer void where void.
* * * *
THE MEDIEVAL TIMES, C. 1154
"Duke of Normandy Crowned King of England:
Henry II Promises Prosperity"
The stock exchange will be closed today in honor of the Royal Coronation.
For an analysis of King Henry's economic plans, please turn to the
financial section.
* * * *
THE ANGLO-SAXON _Star_
"Bishop Seduces Goat At Coronation Feast!"
In pursuing the tradition of first-rate journalism which our readers have
learned to expect, a _Star_ reporter disguised himself as the Duke of Bilberry
and managed to sneak into the Royal Coronation Feast.
Our fearless _Star_ journalist left no stone unturned, no nook
unsearched, no cranny uninvestigated. For an exclusive story about the bishop
caught in a compromising position with a goat, please turn to page three.
* * * *
THE EVENING JESTER
"King Attacks Bishop, Goat Gets Away!"
In a follow-up story to this morning's _Star_ headlines, a Pope who prefers
not to be identified has told the _Jester_ that a frightful row erupted when
the King found a certain bishop with his favorite goat at the Royal Coronation
festivities.
The palace has since instigated a search for the goat, which
disappeared while His Grace King Henry II was throttling the bishop. _Jester_
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sources suggest that members of the British Union for the Rights of Beasts
(B.U.R.B.) may have spirited the animal away during all the confusion.
* * * *
THE COURTLY CHRONICLE
"Coronation Climaxes in Chaos!"
Despite an auspicious beginning, the Royal Coronation was marred by a brawl
between certain Church factions and a raid staged by a left-wing animal rights
group.
The palace has issued a statement denying any knowledge of goat abuse.
* * * *
THE MEDIEVAL TIMES, C. 1170
"Vatican Dollar Drops Drastically"
Thomas A Becket met his death in Canterbury Cathedral yesterday. Assailants
unknown. The palace denies rumors that King Henry may have used ill-considered
means to end, once and for all, his on-going quarrel with the Archbishop.
All members of the financial community have gamely issued public
statements in support of His Majesty, mindful of the dangers of internal
political chaos so near the end of the financial quarter.
"Remember," said Lord Savile, who asked not to be quoted, "those Scots
are a lot closer than you might think."
For a detailed analysis of the effect the assassination has had on the
economic salubrity of the Papal States, please turn to the financial section.
* * * *
THE COURTLY CHRONICLE
"Murder In The Cathedral"
King Henry can rest easy at last, since his arch nemesis, the Archbishop of
Canterbury, lies cold in his grave. Yes, poor Thomas is dead, killed as he
knelt at prayer, slain by infidels who slipped into the country disguised as
Italian sausages.
* * * *
_THE ANGLO-SAXON Star_
"Courtly Chronicle Crushes Credibility"
The _Courtly_, known to be a mere tool of the Plantagenets ever since Henry
first started bullying Stephen (remember him?), was caught printing unverified
information about the identities of Thomas A Becket's assassins.
It is now known -- checked and double-checked by the reliable staff of
the _Star_ -- that Becket was slain by aliens. The same ones who built those
pyramids and invented haggis.
* * * *
THE EVENING JESTER
"Henry Has Hemorrhoids!"
King Henry has continued to deny all rumors linking him to the murder of the
Archbishop of Canterbury, claiming a chronic scatological disorder as his
alibi.
Employing the responsible methods our readers have learned to expect, a
_Jester_ reporter disguised himself as a chamber pot to verify the King's
story. We are pleased to be the first news service in Britain to report that
Henry II, by the grace of God, King of England, does indeed have hemorrhoids
and thus _cannot be guilty_ of the Archbishop's murder!
For an exclusive account of the three days our star _Jester_ journalist
posed as the King's chamber pot, please turn to page three.
* * * *
THE NORMAN RAG
"Public Pressure Mobilizes Monarch!"
Despite the famous Chamber Pot Defense, the King has been unable to mitigate
rumors that he ordered the assassination of Thomas Becket. Consequently, His
Grace will do public penance and make a pilgrimage to Canterbury.
Now! For the first time! You, too, can _live_ this historic event! Stay
with us each day as, reporting live, we take you _inside_ the _true_ story!
Get wet and muddy with Henry as he rides to Canterbury. _Feel_ the sweat of
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the King as he approaches Becket's final resting place. _Experience_ the ice
cold stones of Canterbury Cathedral under your knees as the _Rag_ takes you
there! _Thrill_ to each lash of the whip as it licks Henry's skin!
This is a once-in-a-lifetime offer, folks! The chance won't come again,
so _be_ there!
* * * *
THE MEDIEVAL TIMES, c. 1173
"Civil War Threatens Britain"
At the instigation of their mother, Her Grace Queen Eleanor, King Henry's
three eldest sons, Henry, Richard, and Geoffrey, have launched a full scale
rebellion against our sovereign king.
For an analysis of the effect these events have had on the ha' penny,
please turn to the financial section.
* * * *
THE NORMAN RAG
"Those Rowdy Royals Are At It Again!"
As if it weren't enough that the Queen moved her own court to Poitiers on
account of the King's many infidelities (including fruit of a particularly
forbidden nature if the _Star_ and _Jester_ are to be believed), _now_ Her
Grace has incited those three rowdy princes, Harry, Dickie, and Geoff, to
launch a civil war against their father the King! What _will_ future
generations think of these royal peccadillos?
* * * *
THE COURTLY CHRONICLE
"Peace Breaks Out!"
After unfortunate family disputes which, incidentally, cost thousands of lives
and brought whole sections of the country to a standstill, the Royal family
has resolved its differences.
The palace announced yesterday that the Queen has gone into seclusion
to rest after the harrowing events of the past year.
* * * *
_THE ANGLO-SAXON Star_
"King Throws Queen In Jail!"
Though the rebellion was a family affair, the King has responded harshly.
Yesterday he locked up the Queen and threw away the key.
Posing as a chamber maid, a _Star_ reporter managed to sneak into the
Queen's quarters for an exclusive interview. Please turn to page three.
* * * *
THE EVENING JESTER
"Queen Claims: I Was Only Trying To Help!"
According to an exclusive interview printed in this morning's _Star_, Queen
Eleanor claims that King Henry completely misunderstood her intentions when
she and her three eldest sons raised an army and launched an attack against
him.
Richard "Dickie" the Lion Heart was not available for comment, having
gone off to some other country to slaughter people who never did him any harm.
However, Prince Harry had this to say: "Well, um, my mom told me to do it."
Geoff was also not available for comment, as he was babysitting brother
John at the time of this reporter's interviews at the palace. Too young to
have participated in the war, Johnny stayed at home and pulled the wings off
flies.
* * * *
THE MEDIEVAL TIMES, C. 1189
"King Dies: Long Live the King?"
King Henry II died yesterday afternoon, and the succession remains uncertain.
Might as well turn to the financial section.
* * * *
THE COURTLY CHRONICLE
"Henry Heads Heavenward!"
His Grace King Henry II is survived by: his wife Queen Eleanor, eleven years
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his senior; his son Geoffrey, who is quoted as saying, "Finally! I thought the
old bugger would never die!"; his mistress, the young Princess Alais who has
been affianced to nearly all the King's sons at one point or another; and his
sons Richard and John who could not be reached for comment at the time of the
King's death, as they were busy rebelling against him again.
-----------------------
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