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Papa Was A Rodeo
Papa Was A Rodeo
Roy was waiting for Ed in the hallway when he got back, as Ed tugged the scarf from his
neck and tossed it over the coat stand, shrugging his coat off. "You standing there for fun
or did you set fire to your study or something?" Ed said, and Roy clenched his hands at
his sides, took a slow breath, let it out.
"There was a telephone call after you left this morning. From a clinic."
Ed paused, then took one boot off. "Oh?"
"They were asking," Roy said through gritted teeth, "if you wouldn't mind coming in
tomorrow to pick up the results of your latest test."
"Okay." Ed kicked his boots to the wall. "Thanks for carrying the message."
"What test , Edward?"
"I'll give you two guesses," Ed said, and Roy wanted to smack him.
"What - why - what the hell have you been doing?"
"I got my tubes unplugged." Ed said, walking through to the living room. Roy followed
him, barely aware of what he was doing, almost floating on anger.
"You did - what ? When?"
"You remember that 'conference' I went to a few months back?"
"No." Roy glared at Ed as he sat down on the sofa, tilted his head back with his eyes
closed and sighed like it had been a long day. "No. Tell me you haven't been lying to me
like this."
"You'd never've gone through with it if I'd told you."
"Of course I wouldn't," Roy snapped. "You told me - you sat in that hospital bed and told
me that if it happened again it could kill you! Of course I would never have let this-"
"Saw this specialist guy, anyway." Ed rubbed his nose. "Talked a bit. He did some scans.
Have you seen the technology they have nowadays? They can-"
"I don't give a fuck about the fucking technology."
"I hope you're not gonna cuss like that in front of our kid."
"You - hypocrite -"
"He had a rummage around inside anyway. He did a neat job with the scalpel, don't you
think? Right along the last scar. You never even noticed when I got back."
"You."
"I knew I should have told them to always call me at the lab."
"You. This is the single most selfish thing you've ever done." Roy was so angry he could
scream and that wasn't what he did. "There's no word for someone who tricks someone
else into getting them pregnant, Edward, but if there were-"
"We don't even know I'm pregnant yet." Ed said calmly.
"Why - after last time, how can you even think to put yourself through that again-?"
Ed's face had taken on that waxwork quality it always did when he remembered, but
then his eyes hardened a little. "You never talk about it, so I don't know what you think
about it." he said. "But that was our daughter. That was my kid ." His voice was getting
caught coming up his throat. "Ex-fucking-cuse me for wanting one that I do get to hold,
Roy, excuse me for wanting - shit-"
Roy sat next to him, tried not to, but ended up helplessly brushing Ed's tears away for
him anyway. "Ed. It could kill you."
Ed sniffed. "It probably won't."
"Please - tell me you're not doing this based on probabilities."
"It's very unlikely." Ed swallowed, wiped his face off one last time and said, "There's still
a good chance of me miscarrying again."
Roy had to breathe very slowly. He didn't think he could survive that again. He knew Ed
couldn't survive it again even if he survived the pregnancy itself.
"If you don't wanna bring up the kid I can move out," Ed whispered, and Roy put his
arms around him, tugged him closer, put his face to Ed's hair. There wasn't a can of
worms in the world Ed wouldn't give a good poke if he could. Why Roy had thought he'd
leave this one alone he never knew.
*
It was Winry and Al's second child that had done it, Roy suspected. She really was the
prettiest little girl he'd ever seen, complete strangers smiled to see her laugh, she was a
blessed child from the beginning, peaceful and loving and happy at heart. It nearly broke
his heart to see Ed interact with her because Ed loved her so much and usually made
himself sick with crying after every visit. Roy had thought that catharsis was probably
good for him. Why had he never learned not to try to predict anything of Ed?
They went to the clinic together. A roomful of women and them, and Roy didn't care how
many strange looks were cast their way, he wasn't letting go of Ed's hand. As calm as Ed
was acting, Roy could feel the tremors through to this fingertips.
When the doctor gave them the news Roy thought Ed was going to break his hand.
"Aren't you fertile," Ed purred as they walked home. "You barely have to touch me to
knock me up."
"I don't know how you can joke about this."
"S'meant to be a happy occasion, you miserable shit."
"It could kill you."
"Most of my life something could've killed me." Ed shrugged. "Equivalent exchange. The
risk is worth it."
"The odds of us gaining anything are so slim," Roy's throat hurt. "Ed, I could lose -
everything -"
Ed squeezed his arm. "Don't. Roy. I'm sorry , okay? I'm sorry it has to be this way but it
does. It is worth the risk. Because what we could gain - however slim the odds - it's
worth it, okay? It's worth it. For me it is. Please."
Ed gave him the facts as they walked home. The odds of miscarriage were greatest in the
first few weeks, as the body could easily reject the embryo as the alien tissue it was and
attempt to expel it. Ed had made a list of foods to avoid, chemicals to avoid, actions to
avoid –
"And you don't get to touch me for the next nine months, so hope you had fun last time."
he said cheerfully.
"I had been wondering why you were suddenly so exceptionally keen on sex."
Ed smirked. "Well, I won't say the process wasn't a pleasure in itself."
"So very glad to be of service."
The last set of rules Ed didn't spring on him until they were back in the house.
"I'm not working during gestation-"
"Please don't call it 'gestation'."
"-obviously. Shut up. I'm not leaving this house except for fresh air. And once we're a few
months along, I'm not leaving the bed."
"You're not-?"
There was something awkward about Ed's shrug. "I could lose the baby with a single
wrong move, Mustang, my body doesn't want to be pregnant even if I do. All I have to do
is trip on the stairs or get too dehydrated. For the next nine months, you and me do not
have lives." He settled an arm almost smugly around his stomach. "We are machines that
ensure this kid gets born. Right?"
". . ." What was he meant to say? "Right."
It was so strange to hear Ed talk about it. Despite the fact they'd lived through one
already, this was the first time he'd ever heard Ed say the word 'miscarriage'. It had been
taboo before now. Never speak of it. Never think of it. Say nothing when Ed locked
himself in the bathroom after his niece and nephew left, and Ed was Ed still the rest of
the time and it wasn't easy but it wasn't too difficult to push it out of his mind.
Impossible to connect the Ed who leaned around him while he was cooking and said,
" What is that ? Smells like boot." and fell asleep snoring loudly on the sofa with a book on
his face and told Roy he was a bastard even in the middle of sex with that quiet ghost-Ed
who'd sat in his bed for two months a few years ago, white as if he'd bled his life out
with his daughter. Oh. It hurt to think about it like that still. Roy could deal with the
abstract concept; he hadn't been there, and a cowardly, shrunken part of himself was
glad he hadn't been there. The reality of it would be more than he could bear, he thought.
The smell of blood and antiseptic and to see Ed's face –
Ed's face as he slept that night was so breath-stuntingly peaceful. Roy stared at him with
his heart crumpled up inside, Ed's face turned slightly to the side on the pillows, mouth a
little open, and he kissed him as softly as was possible underneath and slightly to the left
of his closed eye, towards his ear. He knew what Ed meant. He knew Ed needed this. But
what Ed could lose he was willing to sacrifice, and Roy didn't know how to give Ed up
any more than he knew how to stop breathing.
It's a horrible, sickening thing to admit to yourself, that you would rather your unborn
child just quietly died than you would risk losing your partner for it.
*
Ed called in to take a year's leave from work. There were objections on the other end of
the line.
"Fine, then, I quit." he said calmly, and Roy heard the tinny sound of someone rapidly
backtracking. Ed cut a smirk across at him, rolled his eyes to the ceiling and let the voice
on the telephone plead on.
*
Gracia came to talk over the pregnancy. The last time Ed had just wanted to hide it,
pretend it wasn't happening - Roy was surprised he'd wanted to call Gracia for this, but
this time the only thing, the only thing Ed cared about was doing this right. Elysia,
thirteen now with loose shoulder-length hair and a great deal of Maes in the way she
cocked her mouth, said, "How are you having a baby? Girls have babies. We did it in
school, you need ovaries and-"
"I'm special," Ed settled on, and shot a glare at Roy, who didn't quite stifle his grin in
time.
"But how do boys have babies? Boys aren't like girls, boys don't-"
"Elysia, shall we talk about this when we get home?" Gracia offered, and Roy glanced at
Ed's furiously red face and thanked the gods for motherly tact.
"I'm not a girl," Ed spat at him when mother and daughter had left.
"Of course," Roy said soothingly. "Gracia left you her birthing diary, do you want to look
through it?"
"Not if you're gonna use that tone of voice I don't, you bastard -"
"Don't get yourself worked up, Edward-my-love," Roy said in a sing-song voice. "Would
you like a cup of tea?"
"Die," Ed hissed. "Go to the kitchen and die so I don't have to look at your fucking corpse
you shit ."
Halfway down the hallway Roy heard Ed shout after him, "No milk in mine!"
*
A visit to the clinic every week to be sure, and Ed still waited two and a half months
before he called his brother, and sat pinching the bridge of his nose as he talked.
"Al. Don't. I know. Don't. Al, don't blame him , he didn't- okay, yes, obviously he did
something but he didn't know, okay? I chose this. I - well it's fucking easy for you to say,
you have yours! No - no, Al, I didn't . . . I know. I know . Just stop - talking like that. I'm
sorry . . ." He choked a laugh through a thickened throat. "You brat , of course I'm
hormonal, you're fucking lucky you're not close enough to get a smack for that - huh. I
guess I will have to watch what I say. The bastard swears too, you know, I'm not the only
bad influence." Ed's eyes flicked to Roy, he grinned briefly. "I'm happy. Al. I know, but I
don't care. I chose this. I want this. I'm not saying you have to approve but could you just
not hate me right now?
"I know. I know, Al. I know. You know I love you, right? Hey - you brat I told you I'm a
hormonal mess - I know we don't need to say it. But. I do all the same. I know. Al. You're
the best little brother in the world. You ought to know that. Okay. I'll put the bastard on.
Wh-? I will. You know I will, idiot. G'night. Night, Al."
He handed the phone across, hand over the mouthpiece, and said, "I think he wants you
to get snipped after the kid's born."
Roy's blood chilled.

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