Confessions By morethanmyself.pdf

Confessions By morethanmyself

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6198159/1/

Prologue

We were standing in front of security check in at Sea-Tac, my carry-on bag slung

over my shoulder, ticket in hand. A faceless mass of people hurried past us,

moving forward, coming home, going away, carrying on, as if the world wasn't

falling apart around them, as if this moment wasn't the end of everything.

"Bella, all you have to do is ask me to stay and I will." Please, please ask me to

stay.

"You have to go, Edward. Your life is waiting, everything is waiting for you. She is

waiting for you."

I could see the tears she was holding back, her slightly too pink cheeks betraying

her emotions, and her breath stuttered minutely on the exhale. Our almost 17

years of friendship allowed me to see the chinks in her carefully constructed

armor. To anyone else, she was as calm and collected as always, the mask firmly

in place.

"I love you, Bella. I'll always love you."

"I know," she said sadly, as she kissed my cheek, gave me one last tight hug and

walked away.

I watched her until she turned a corner and was out of sight. She didn't turn

around, she never does. I decided that this would be the last time I watched her

walk away, and it would be the last time I confessed my love. She was right, my

life was waiting for me; I couldn't make it wait anymore. Steeling my resolve I

walked to security check-in and this time I didn't look back.

Ch. 1: The First Time

The first time I told Bella Swan I loved her, she laughed. I didn't mind.

We were sitting in our meadow, knee to knee, crossed legged in the tall grass,

my gangly, awkward frame dwarfing her. My head was slightly itchy from the

heat, brownish-red hair falling into my eyes behind my glasses. I was

concentrating on writing in the leather bound journal she had gotten me for my

birthday the week prior. She was curled around her well worn copy of Hitchhiker's

Guide to the Galaxy, reading it for the hundredth time and randomly snorting at

the off-beat humor. There, surrounded by the sounds and smells of Spring-

cicadas buzzing, warm grass, rich earth, seemed like the perfect place for my 14

year old heart to confess itself.

"Bella?" I whispered, looking up, studying her heart-shaped face and watched her

beautiful brown curls dance in the wind.

She raised an eye brow, but didn't lift her head.

"B...," I called slightly louder, needing to know she was actually listening.

"Hmmm?" was her absent-minded reply, her face still buried in her book.

"I love you."

Her brown eyes shot up to meet my jade green ones, staring at me intently in

surprise and my heart caught in my throat. Maybe I'd made a mistake, maybe I

shouldn't have told her, but I always told her everything. After several seconds,

her face softened, and my heart began to beat again.

"Oh, Edward, I know. You're my best friend!" She laughed, a lyrical sound that

was swiftly carried away on the breeze. "Hey, I have to go. I promised my Dad

I'd be home in time to start dinner. I'll see you tomorrow."

She stood up, brushing the grass and dirt off her khaki shorts, pulled down her

blue "Self Rescuing Princess" t-shirt, and shoved her books into her army green

messenger bag. I watched her as she jogged down the trail until it curved, and

she was out of sight.

I wasn't really expecting anything, the whole exercise was more about an

overflowing of my love for her and an overwhelming urge for her to know than a

need for her to return my feelings. Which was probably for the best, since Bella

was never one for emotional outpourings. It took her five years of friendship to

call me her best friend. I've known since we were six that she was mine and told

her every chance I got.

Bella was fearless, even as a little kid. She swung higher than anyone else,

climbed to the roof of the jungle gym with the bigger boys, and never backed

down from the mean kids. She was my savior more than once. Despite her

inability to vocalize her feelings, she has always been one of the most loyal and

protective people I've ever met.

One day, in Kindergarten, we were swinging at recess, pretending we were

astronauts, flying through outer space in our ships. My swing was suddenly

wrenched to a stop, and I was shoved to the ground. My palms stung from the

impact with the ground and there was a sharp, piercing pain in my knee, tears

welled up unbidden in my eyes. I didn't even need to look up, I knew who it was:

James Hunter. He and his friends were the bane of my short existence.

"It's my turn now, Cullen!"

Without a second thought, my tiny protector was on her feet, nose to chest with

James.

"Leave him alone! Do you want me to tell my Dad that it was you and your

brother that spray painted the fence on the playground?" she ground out through

clinched teeth, eyes narrowed in hatred. She was almost silent in her anger, the

quiet rage deafening.

His ice blue eyes widened and James immediately backed down, a terrified look

on his eight year old face. Bella was scary in her own right, but it's amazing what

invoking the name of Chief Swan can do, especially if it would land you in the

back of his police cruiser.

"That's what I thought, James. Go pick on someone your own size!"

We watched his retreating form walking quickly across the playground, back to

his friends who were snickering at him. Bella helped me up, wiping the dirt off my

hands. She kneeled down to inspect my knee, blood seeping from a cut.

"You should go tell Ms. Cope, it's dirty and bleeding."

Without waiting for me to respond, she grabbed my hand and started walking.

She pulled me along behind her, marching me across the playground, as if her

sole purpose in life was to escort me through the minefield of childhood. Just

before she passed me off to the teacher I tugged on her arm to get her attention.

"What, Edward?" she asked slightly exasperated at being deterred from her task.

"I just wanted to tell you that you're my best friend," I said with a huge grin.

She looked startled for a moment and finally, with a sad smile, she pulled me

forward to Ms. Cope.

That night, I drew Bella a picture with her as a brown haired, stick figure

superhero, saving my red-headed stick figure from an ugly, green blob monster.

On the back, in my best handwriting, I wrote, "Thanck You From Your Best Frend

Edward." Later, I would realize that she never returned the words, but at the

time, her actions spoke plenty loud for me. She was my best friend, she

protected me and played the best games, of course I was her best friend, too. I

was confident in the knowledge that it was me and Bella against the world.

At least until Alice and Emmett Brandon moved to town half way through our 5th

grade year. Alice was eleven, like us, and somehow even smaller than Bella, who

had always been the smallest kid in our grade. Alice's short, spiky black hair and

brightly colored clothes were visual warning of her overly-exuberant personality.

She kind of scared me, jumping up and down in excitement over everything, and

she was just so loud. Her brother Emmett was twelve, but a late start to school

put him in the same grade as his sister. He was loud like his sister, but at least

he didn't jump around all the time- he just liked to clap me on the back every

time he told a joke. It hurt.

Bella immediately took to them, she invited them to sit with us at lunch and to

play with us on the playground. Where it had always been the two of us,

suddenly it was the three of them and me. Alice and Emmett were nice enough,

but I was supposed to be Bella's best friend and I couldn't understand why they

were always there.

The Brandons had been in our class for almost three weeks when I finally decided

that Bella was tired of being my friend, and I wasn't going to wait around for her

to ditch me. If she wanted them so badly, I wouldn't stop her.

The second day in a row that I went home instead of meeting them at the

playground after school, Bella showed up at my bedroom. She walked in

hesitantly, looking sad and lost. That worried me, Bella never looked lost, she

always knew where she was going. I just knew she was there to tell me that she

couldn't be friends with me anymore.

"Edward, why weren't you at the park yesterday or today?" she whispered,

standing awkwardly next to my bed where I lay hugging a pillow.

I'd turned my back to her so she wouldn't see me crying.

"I'm sure your new friends were more than happy that I was gone," I replied

bitterly, angrily flicking away a tear from my cheek.

"I don't understand, Alice and Emmett are nice, they want to be your friend, too!

But, you won't talk to them and now you're avoiding me. Edward, you're my best

friend- I can't have fun unless you're there!"

I sat up and looked at her incredulously, I'm pretty sure my mouth was hanging

open. "I'm your best friend, Bella?"

"Of course, silly, who else would it be?"

"And you really want me there, I'm not just in the way? You know that I don't run

fast, Bella and I don't like to talk a lot. Alice and Emmett talk all the time, I

thought maybe you wanted new friends who would talk more."

"Yes, I really want you there! You and me can be quiet together, they talk

enough for all four of us," she said grinning widely at me, her eyes twinkling with

happiness. She held her hand out to me. "Come on, they're waiting for us at the

park. I want to show them the place we found that dead snake last summer!"

I jumped off the bed and ran off with her, ecstatic to have my best friend back.

Ch. 2: The Second Time

The second time I told Bella Swan I loved her, she cried. They weren't happy

tears.

Bella has always hated her birthday and I've always taken it upon myself to make

the time surrounding the day as least traumatic as possible. Unfortunately for

both of us, Alice never understood Bella's refusal to participate in any events

related to her birthday. The year B turned 15, Alice was especially relentless

about celebrating, and Bella was especially morose about the impending date.

About a week before her birthday I was walking down the hallway at Forks High,

on my way to meet Bella outside of her Geometry class, like always. As I turned

the corner I saw Bella and Alice standing in front of their lockers. Bella's whole

body was tense and her face was red with anger. Alice looked like she might cry.

"Every year we go through this, Alice! How long have you known me? Four years?

And in that time, how many times have I asked you not to make a big deal of my

birthday?" she hissed quietly, trying to avoid making a scene.

"But, Bella, turning 15 is important, I don't understand...", Alice's voice

incredulous.

"It's my birthday and I choose to ignore it," Bella interrupted her harshly. "You

will respect that, Alice. I don't want to have to have this discussion anymore. It's

hard enough without the constant threat of surprise parties and birthday

dinners."

By this point it was obvious that Bella was almost at the end of her rope. I wasn't

sure what caused her reaction, but it was obvious that she needed to cool off. I

swiftly walked towards her and put my arm around her shoulder, giving Alice a

warning look, I asked Bella if she wanted to go for a walk. The anger left her

body and she sagged against my shoulder, nodding her head in agreement.

We walked towards the woods behind the school, trying to make our escape

unnoticed. I followed her for several minutes before she stopped and sat down,

oblivious to the Autumn chilled ground. I sat in front of her with my legs crossed,

so I could watch her face and try to read what she was thinking. She was resting,

breathing deeply for a little while, neither of us talking. She hated losing control

and she always needed time to recover afterwards.

There was a slight bite to the air, the leaves were already starting to change

color. The only sounds were the occasional flock of geese overhead and the wind

rustling through the dry leaves. It was very peaceful and seemed to help Bella

regain her usual calm.

"B, what happened?", I asked gently.

"Alice just couldn't fucking leave it alone!" she spat out. "She kept trying to

manipulate me into agreeing to something, anything, to celebrate my goddamn

birthday. She's one of my closest friends, why can't she see how much this

upsets me? I shouldn't have to explain my reasons." She sounded so worn down,

not all the fierce girl I was used to.

I reached out to move her hair from her face, so I could see her eyes. When she

finally met my gaze, her brown eyes were pools of sadness and it made me ache

for her. "You're right, she can be completely overbearing when she wants

something. But, B, she's always been like that, and usually you get her to back

off without losing it. What's really going on?"

Bella sighed deeply, she closed her eyes for a moment and then reached for her

backpack, rummaging around until she found what she wanted. She smoothed

her hands over the surface of an envelope for several minutes, debating with

herself. I knew what it was, and now her reaction made sense- her mother,

Renee. I'd only ever seen her this upset over Renee one other time. I didn't think

it was possible for me to hate the woman any more than I did, but I was wrong.

"I don't get it, Edward. Why does she do this to me every year? I don't want this,

I want her. And if she won't give me that, then I want to just pretend that she's

dead or something. But knowing that she's out there, alive and breathing

somewhere, and can only be bothered to acknowledge that I exist once a year- it

fucking kills me!

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