{684}{724}{y:i}Can I get you|to sign right here, please? {726}{770}{y:i}Okay. Here you go. {772}{823}{y:i}- Thanks.|- You're welcome. {931}{970}{y:i}Hi, Will. Package for you. {1328}{1379}{y:i}I don't think anyone ever imagines|on their wedding day {1381}{1476}{y:i}they'll be part of the 46%|that doesn't live happily ever after. {1510}{1537}Will? {1552}{1607}Just heard we got the Quaker Oats account. {1609}{1676}Way to go.|You must be completely psyched. {1691}{1721}{y:i}Then again, {1722}{1760}{y:i}I never thought I'd spend my days, {1762}{1819}{y:i}weeks and years working|in an advertising agency {1821}{1938}{y:i}trying to figure out how to get kids to eat|Cap'n Crunch instead of Froot Loops. {1958}{2029}{y:i}But Tuesdays and Fridays|are my favorite days. {2031}{2134}{y:i}I get out of work early, and I go pick up|my daughter, Maya, from school. {2136}{2216}{y:i}Now, it's a great feeling when you find|the right track to go with the day. {2218}{2312}{y:i}And today, I have found|the absolute perfect song. {2340}{2387}{y:i}Bitches, they can kiss my... {2404}{2454}{y:i}The other perfect song. {3596}{3633}Thank you. {3654}{3695}You're welcome. {5685}{5778}{y:i}But sometimes, no matter|how carefully you plan your playlist, {5779}{5850}{y:i}there is no right track for what awaits you. {6012}{6085}- Come on, come on!|- Hey, what's going on? {6087}{6146}Will, did you know there was gonna be|a sex ed class today? {6148}{6174}Aren't they kind of young? {6176}{6251}- Yeah! It was a total disaster.|- At least it got them reading. {6253}{6281}There's a book! {6283}{6364}{y:i}"The 250 million sperm are ejaculated {6366}{6455}{y:i}"and begin their treacherous journey|towards the fallopian tubes! {6457}{6495}{y:i}"One hundred million are wiped|out instantly..." {6497}{6532}I'm gonna find Maya. {6534}{6568}Do you still have sex with Daddy? {6570}{6598}- What are you talking about?|- Do you? {6600}{6640}- You know, we will go home and talk...|- You do, don't you? {6642}{6696}- We will go home and talk about this.|- I hate you, I hate you! {6759}{6846}Stop pulling on me! I am trying|to get to the bottom of something! {6851}{6885}We need to talk. {6904}{6981}Which is when the man|removes his penis from his pajamas {6982}{7013}and thrusts it into a woman's vagina... {7014}{7101}Okay, but Mrs. Gallagher|didn't actually say "thrust." {7111}{7139}- Yeah.|- Oh. {7157}{7186}But what I don't understand, {7188}{7257}Sammy Boigon's sister said|he was an accident. {7258}{7353}I mean, how do you accidentally|thrust a penis into... Hi, Luis. {7355}{7397}- Hey.|- How do you accidentally... {7399}{7505}{y:i}Stop saying "penis" and "thrust."|Just say "tinkle part" or "wee-wee." {7506}{7531}Something cute. {7533}{7617}- Explain how Sammy was an accident.|- That's complicated. {7648}{7716}- Penis! Penis.|- Okay. All right, that's enough. {7718}{7759}Okay, they... {7761}{7842}It's not like his dad slipped|on a banana peel. {7844}{7948}The accident was that Sammy's mom|got pregnant. {7975}{8060}If they didn't want a baby,|then how come they had sex? {8091}{8144}That's a very good question. {8154}{8230}I guess you could say|that they were rehearsing. {8276}{8315}- Was I an accident?|- No. {8317}{8366}- I was, wasn't I?|- No. {8368}{8488}You were completely and totally on purpose.|I knew exactly what I was getting into. {8571}{8633}I think you should tell me|the story of you and my mom. {8634}{8721}{y:i}Why do you keep saying "my mom"|like I've never met her? {8730}{8828}Well, because now that|you're getting divorced, {8849}{8903}she's mine, not yours. {8905}{8956}- Is that so?|- Tell me how it happened. {8958}{9080}{y:i}And the real story, not the,|"Oh, we met, we fell in love, {9082}{9144}{y:i}"and we decided to take all that love {9146}{9227}{y:i}"and make a family,|and that's how we made you." {9229}{9281}You know something?|I'm gonna tell you the real, true story {9283}{9311}of how me and your mother met. {9313}{9352}- When I'm old enough.|- Yep. {9354}{9433}- Look. I know love isn't a fairytale.|- Really? {9434}{9468}Really. {9495}{9545}Did you have another girlfriend|before you met her? {9574}{9609}Come on, tell me the truth. {9654}{9692}I had two serious girlfriends. {9694}{9776}And then some other,|a smattering of other women that I dated. {9778}{9809}You know. {9824}{9850}What? {9852}{9907}What's the boy word for slut? {9917}{10000}They still haven't come up with one yet,|but I'm sure they're working on it. {10002}{10035}You a vegetarian this week or not? {10037}{10072}- Yeah, I am.|- Great. {10074}{10131}I'm guessing|you weren't her first boyfriend. {10133}{10213}Maybe it was some nerdy guy,|or maybe he was mean. {10240}{10274}Or maybe {10306}{10358}you were friends for the longest time, {10360}{10439}and then just when you were|about to put your penis {10441}{10468}into somebody else's vagina... {10470}{10494}Okay. Good night, Maya. {10496}{10530}...you realized Mom|was the only one for you! {10532}{10559}Bedtime! {10561}{10628}You still have to tell me|the story of why you fell in love with her. {10630}{10710}I fell in love with her because|she was smart and beautiful and fun. {10712}{10789}So now she's stupid and ugly and boring? {10791}{10846}- Of course not.|- Then what's the problem? {10848}{10949}- It's complicated, Maya.|- Everything with you is so complicated. {10950}{11069}I bet that if you just told me the story,|you'd realize that it's not complicated at all. {11073}{11129}That you just love her. {11149}{11206}I know this is tough for you,|but what are you thinking? {11208}{11274}That I'm gonna tell you this story|and it's gonna make everything better? {11276}{11301}It doesn't work that way. {11302}{11397}Maybe it does, maybe it doesn't.|Tell me and we'll find out. {11418}{11501}No. Game over. It's time for bed. {11502}{11597}No, it's not time for bed!|It's time for you to tell me the story! {11598}{11652}- Maya.|- I need to know! {11707}{11745}I need to know. {11796}{11836}Fine! Fine! {11846}{11871}I'm gonna tell you the story, {11873}{11907}- but I'm not telling you who your mom is.|- Fine. {11909}{11942}You're just gonna have|to figure it out for yourself. {11943}{11975}- Good.|- And I'm changing all the names {11977}{12034}and some of the facts,|but I just decided that right now. {12035}{12113}- And then we'll see how smart you are.|- I like it. It's like a love story/mystery. {12115}{12172}- Great. Sounds good. You ready?|- No. {12174}{12199}No. {12262}{12307}- Take your time.|- I will. {12309}{12361}- I know you will.|- You go here. {12362}{12410}- Princess pillow?|- Thank you. {12412}{12452}- You bet.|- Okay. {12641}{12678}I'm ready. {12680}{12723}Once upon a time, {12738}{12845}before e-mails and cell phones|and reality television shows, {12866}{12981}{y:i}in 1992 to be exact,|in a little town called Madison, Wisconsin, {12982}{13044}{y:i}there lived a young man|named William Hayes. {13046}{13132}- Hey, Will, man, Happy New Year.|- Hey, yeah, you, too. {13134}{13259}{y:i}Now, this young man was deeply,|deeply in love with his college sweetheart. {13261}{13290}{y:i}Let's call her... {13292}{13331}- Emily!|- Emily! {13342}{13371}Emily! {13401}{13431}- Hey.|- Hi. {13433}{13505}Ten, nine, eight... {13507}{13629}Hey, guess who's gonna be the luckiest guy|on planet Earth in about four seconds? {13631}{13662}You. {13664}{13705}two, one! {13706}{13753}Happy New Year! {13754}{13801}{y:i}They were a perfect couple. {13802}{13873}{y:i}Except to really understand|how this young man {13874}{13926}{y:i}ended up marrying your mother,|you'll also need to know {13928}{14040}{y:i}that he had a very big,|incredibly embarrassing dream. {14042}{14076}All rise {14117}{14217}for the President|of the United States of America, {14242}{14279}William {14288}{14320}Matthew {14344}{14380}Hayes. {14483}{14527}{y:i}You wanted to be President? {14538}{14610}I'm just, I don't understand why you have|to work for Clinton in New York. {14612}{14657}Why can't you just work for him in Madison? {14658}{14708}Well, because they don't need me here.|They need me in New York. {14710}{14813}They need him, Em. Will's the man.|I can't believe you're letting him go. {14814}{14860}I mean, don't you know|about New York girls? {14862}{14918}Besides being incredibly hot,|they have no problem with casual sex, {14920}{14970}which by the way, I totally respect. {14972}{15026}- What if Charlie's right?|- Charlie's never right. {15028}{15123}- He's functionally retarded.|- I am worried New York's gonna change you. {15125}{15173}- Change can be good.|- If we change together. {15175}{15240}So, we'll change together. {15242}{15314}Okay? It's two months in New York.|I'll be back before you know it. {15316}{15345}Besides, we have a plan, right? {15346}{15429}The other thing I can't believe is that|you'd risk leaving Emily here with me, {15430}{15527}'cause I gotta tell you,|I've always had a thing for you... {15543}{15602}And I have absolutely no scruples. {15662}{15747}Wait! I almost forgot.|You have to give this to Summer. {15755}{15780}She's the only girl I know in New York. {15782}{15808}- I want you to meet her.|- Summer Hartley? {15810}{15840}- Yes. Yes.|- That's her name? {15842}{15883}She was on my exchange program|at Cambridge, {15885}{15964}and all the guys wanted to sleep with her,|and you probably will, too. {15966}{15993}Maybe you should mail it to her. {15995}{16023}- That might be a better idea.|- No. {16025}{16048}What is it? {16050}{16130}Something I should have|sent her a long time ago. {16155}{16192}I love you, William Hayes. {16241}{16327}Okay. Go, go, go. Go be your brilliant self. {16357}{16415}{y:i}Emily sounds like she would|make a good mom. {16417}{16484}{y:i}- I just don't know if she's my mom.|- Why not? {16486}{16517}{y:i}Everyone knows that the girlfriend {16518}...
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