{531}{590}{y:i}In case you're interested,|at my old school {592}{666}{y:i}the day began with prayers,|followed by hymns {668}{708}{y:i}and then an inspirational reading. {710}{763}{y:i}Here it began with Jay|showing me a pornographic video. {765}{834}Right, watch this. {836}{931}This is tame. They're not even naked.|Oh, wait a minute, is she gonna? {933}{1013}Oh, my God, that can't be real!|That's got to be chocolate. {1015}{1090}- They should've got a bigger cup.|- How tame is that, then?! {1092}{1182}- Oh, Christ, I'm gonna heave.|- Jesus wept! Don't lick it! {1184}{1230}{y:i}- She's gonna vomit.|- I'm gonna vomit. {1232}{1270}This is the best bit, look. {1310}{1370}- Ohhh!|- Oh... {1372}{1457}- Is it possible to un-see things?|- I don't like girls any more. {1459}{1518}You get a new laptop|and the first thing you did was find that? {1520}{1572}No, it wasn't the first thing. {1574}{1610}This was the first thing. {1683}{1723}Oh! {1725}{1775}You lot are such saddos. {1799}{1879}- That's it. We can't carry on like this!|- Carry on like what? {1881}{1975}We can't spend another term treading|water, being the same old sad cases. {1978}{2017}Well, I'm not a sad case. {2020}{2071}You just got called a sad case! {2074}{2144}- Look, we've got to do something.|- What do you mean? {2147}{2198}- Carpe diem!|- Go fishing? {2201}{2265}Seize the day.|Do something unexpected. {2267}{2364}Reinvent ourselves. Show the girls|and everyone else who we really are. {2366}{2434}- Reinvent ourselves as what?|- I don't know! {2437}{2505}Literally anything! Something cool. {2508}{2570}We could... start going clubbing|in London. {2573}{2634}- My dad wouldn't let me drive to London.|- That's the spirit {2637}{2679}I could drive us. {2682}{2721}- I got a car last weekend.|- A car?! {2724}{2783}- You haven't even passed your test.|- Yeah, I have. {2786}{2839}- And you never thought to mention it?|- You never asked. {2842}{2898}Of course,|I forgot that's the way it works. {2900}{2980}We have to ask you every single thing|that might have happened in case it did. {2982}{3079}Brilliant! Now we don't have to drive|around in Simon's little bitchmobile. {3081}{3108}No more lifts for you. {3110}{3174}What about that? If you don't have|to drive, will you come? {3176}{3247}It's not the driving I'm worried about,|it's that we won't get in anywhere, {3249}{3321}won't get served and might get robbed,|stabbed or killed. {3323}{3402}Bullshit!|I go up to London all the time. {3404}{3461}- When do you ever go to London?|- All the time! {3463}{3537}I went last weekend.|I fucked some girl up there. {3539}{3605}- Where was that, then?|- It was in... the Tower of London. {3607}{3672}The Tower of London?|What did you do after you'd fucked her? {3674}{3727}Cut her head off?|Show her the crown jewels? {3729}{3800}She'd already seen the crown jewels,|thanks - my bell-end. {3802}{3864}{y:i}Brilliant|Reinventing ourselves as clubbers {3866}{3943}{y:i}was a brilliant idea of mine.|Obviously, we wouldn't actually {3945}{4003}{y:i}get in anywhere,|but Simon could at least give it a go. {4005}{4042}Go on, Si, please come along. {4044}{4134}But it'll be expensive. Don't some of|those clubs charge 30 quid to get in? {4136}{4217}I've already told you, I know the bloke|who runs all the doors. He'll slip us in. {4219}{4277}And when that turns out to be bullshit,|what then? {4279}{4317}- Hi, Simon!|- Carli! {4319}{4403}- How's your stomach?|- Oh... fine. {4405}{4482}Simon had really bad diarrhoea|over the weekend. {4484}{4511}Really bad. {4513}{4599}We're going up to London on Saturday,|clubbing. Do you want to come? {4601}{4674}Sounds fun. We'd love to go.|Which club are you going to? {4676}{4716}Um... {4718}{4782}- Spearmint Rhino.|- Isn't that a strip club? {4784}{4844}He's made a mistake.|We're going to one of the big ones, {4846}{4887}one of the big, cool ones|right in the middle of London. {4889}{4921}Oh, right. Which one? {4923}{5021}- Um... the Land of...|- The Sound of... {5023}{5063}We usually go to Club Opera. {5065}{5118}- And that's exactly where we're going.|- Cool. {5120}{5161}And I'm driving, if you want a lift. {5163}{5213}Nah, we'll probably head up early,|check out the shops. {5215}{5276}- A lift back would be great, though.|- No problemo. {5278}{5318}So do you go clubbing a lot, then? {5320}{5383}- Me?|- Yeah, you. {5385}{5425}Um... {5427}{5497}Yeah, yeah, yeah, course.|Dancing on the podium, probably, {5499}{5578}or up by the speakers,|where it's, if anything, too loud! {5580}{5639}- Great. See you there.|- See you. {5641}{5680}- Great.|- See you later, then. {5731}{5806}What did I tell you?|London and muff go hand in hand. {5808}{5864}Fucking hell,|I'm going on a date with Carli! {5866}{5922}- It's not really a date.|- I think it is. {5924}{6006}- I reckon you're in there, too.|- Me? Why do you think that? {6008}{6039}Cos she touched her hair! {6041}{6104}In body language-speak,|that means she wants you. {6106}{6206}In London on Saturday, there'll be plenty|of girls round me touching their hair. {6208}{6243}Their pubic hair, presumably? {6245}{6318}No, their... long... {6346}{6403}No, yeah, their pubic hair. {6405}{6472}{y:i}Saturday rolled around,|and we were all incredibly excited {6474}{6535}{y:i}about our night out in London.|Rachel, {6538}{6612}{y:i}an actual girl with a working face,|had asked me if I was going, {6615}{6683}{y:i}Simon got to continue|his stalking of Carli, {6685}{6759}{y:i}Neil just liked being out in the open,|like a Labrador, {6762}{6859}{y:i}and Jay was up for some more|make-believe sex in a tourist attraction - {6862}{6897}{y:i}maybe a hand-job|at Madame Tussauds. {6899}{6950}{y:i}I had no idea how|we'd actually get into a club, {6952}{7043}{y:i}but I wasn't taking any chances|and wore my smartest shoes, {7046}{7091}{y:i}something Simon didn't do. {7097}{7152}- Why are you wearing trainers, Si?|- Because they look good. {7155}{7223}I specifically said no trainers,|not if we want to get into clubs. {7225}{7319}- Everyone wears trainers.|- Jay and I haven't got trainers on. {7322}{7378}You've got fucking flippers on!|What size are they? {7381}{7439}Size eight - my size. {7442}{7513}Yeah, Ronald McDonald called -|he wants his shoes back. {7515}{7553}There's nothing wrong with these.|They're Italian. {7555}{7625}Hey!|Where are my-a flippers? {7627}{7713}- You'll be OK if you fall in the Thames.|- Yeah, very funny {7715}{7776}Would it have killed you to wear shoes|just to be on the safe side? {7778}{7812}Whoa, check out Neil's car! {7814}{7897}- Yeah! It's shit-hot!|- I'd say half right. {7899}{7940}It's shit. {7942}{8028}{y:i}But a rubbish red Nova wasn't|the main attraction at Neil's house. {8098}{8126}- Hi, Katie!|- Hello. {8128}{8175}He's upstairs. {8177}{8209}So how's things with you? {8211}{8270}- Yeah! I haven't seen you in ages.|- Neil! {8272}{8337}Your friends want to know|if you're coming out to play. {8339}{8370}Coming! {8372}{8455}- So, Katie, do you like clubbing?|- Can you stop staring at my tits, please? {8520}{8551}She must be on the blob. {8553}{8613}All right?|What do you think of the car, then? {8615}{8696}It's like a tractor beam for fanny.|I love it! {8698}{8750}It's got a Piper exhaust|and a well smart body-kit. {8752}{8811}My sister's boyfriend is helping me|do it up. He's a mechanic. {8813}{8865}It must be nice for your dad|to have a man about the house, Neil. {8867}{8899}What does that mean? {8901}{8960}- It means, "Does your dad suck him off?"|- No! {8962}{9000}- But your sister does.|- No! {9023}{9095}- Well, I mean, she might do.|- Oh, she definitely does. {9097}{9192}- Oh... nice Porsche Engineering sticker.|- I know. {9194}{9275}I put it on myself.|It's gotta be worth at least a hand-job. {9277}{9343}- How fast does it go?|- Who knows? I ain't got it going yet. {9345}{9430}- This is the first time you've driven it?|- Nah, it ain't got an engine. {9432}{9496}- Dave's still trying to find me one.|- I thought you were driving us to London. {9498}{9535}Yeah, so did I. {9537}{9605}So how do you plan to drive us up there|without a car? {9607}{9641}I was going to drive your car. {9643}{9689}But you're not insured to drive my car. {9691}{9736}Yeah, I wondered about that. {9738}{9797}Oh, well, Simon,|you're gonna have to drive us. {9799}{9905}No! I said no. And my dad will go mental|if he finds out I've driven to London. {9907}{9956}He won't find out. {9958}{10062}And even if he does, you'll have|far too many fingers up Carli to care. {10095}{10185}- Please, Simon?|- Oh, Christ! Thanks a lot, Neil {10187}{10249}You need to be clearer|about things, I reckon. {10251}{10337}OK, is this clear enough?|You're a fucking idiot! {10339}{10389}Calm down!|I'll get some beers for the trip. {10391}{10441}I can't drink and drive! {10443}{10494}Course you can, it's just a saying! {10496}{10592}{y:i}So Jay liberated a few|of his dad's lagers and we were off. {10594}{10667}{y:i}The plan was simple - get to London,|get into a club, pull Carli and Rachel {10669}{10728}{y:i}and then return to school|on Monday morning {10730}{10767}{y:i}with our credibility at an all-time high. {10769}{10833}{y:i}Yes - I said it was simple,|not realistic. {10835}{10892}{y:i}In the meantime, we can enjoy|the enlightening conversation. {10895}{10977}Here, who would you rather fuck,|Will's mum or Neil's sister? {10979}{11003}Oh, good {11005}{11056}Oi, leave it out! Will's mum. {11058}{11088}Don't join in, Neil! {11091}{11136}Neil's sister would have|the tighter snatch, I guess. {11139}{11209}- Leave it out!|- But Will's mum has got huge tits. {11211}{11246}- They are amazing.|- Thanks, Neil. {11249}{11306}Although Neil's sister looks like|s...
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