Sincerely Sincerely, from the Letterverse and set some time after Love and Other High Stake Games. No letter, but a short note in this one! Unbeta'd and written in a stupidly spaced-out way, ahem. Must start finishing short pieces like, within a week ^^; Rating: R, for swearing, mentions of sex and some adult subject matter. Warnings: Spoilers for the movie! Summary: Because Ed never, never seems to grasp that his actions have repercussions. *Seriously*, Ed . . . "Well maybe it isn't enough! We're not teenagers anymore, I don't know if you noticed but I'm not a teenager anymore, Roy! We keep acting like it'll keep us afloat-" "The fact that we're in love, you think that that's not-?" "Well, I don't know! I don't know, Roy! Because we're back-" His hand slashed between them. "Here again, we always end up back fucking here and I'm sick of it, sick of, of-" "Me?" Silence. "I didn't say that." Ed said softly. Roy just sat, slumped in the armchair like he hardly had the energy to keep his head up. He rubbed his eye with the forefingers of one hand, thumb resting on the patch, and sighed, long and slow, no real frustration, just so tired. "What do you want me to say?" "Don't fucking ask me that question! What the hell makes you think that what I want from you is for you to say what I want, I want the goddamn truth-" "Which is what, again?" Roy said wearily. "What brought this on tonight? Is this the 'you're holding me back, I would already rule the entire world if it wasn't for you' argument? Or is this the argument where despite restoring your brother, despite putting right everything you did wrong, you're still so tainted a human being that I should stay away from you for my own safety - or is this just the argument where of course I can do better . . . ?" A sick sort of silence. Roy blinked his eye open, looked at Ed pale and frozen on the sofa. "Those are not my words. I have never thought that because it's fucking ridiculous, Edward. I've just spent long enough with you to learn a few things about how you think." "Maybe you don't know me that well." Ed whispered, and - fear flickered in Roy's chest, like a little candle flame coming alight. "What . . . ?" Ed put his hands over his face, said nothing. "Ed, what-? What is this argument about, what brought this on again . . . ?" Silence. His throat hurt like he'd swallowed something made of metal. "Have you found someone else?" "Don't be fucking stupid." Ed muttered into his hands. "Is it me? Have I done something? Do you just - are you tired of me?" Ed kept his hands over his face. Then he said, "I'm tired of this." Roy closed his eye. "Ed, so am I." Ed breathed, slowly, behind his hands. Then he lowered them, twisted them in his lap, and his hanging hair still hid his face. "Maybe it's everything. You ever thought of that?" "What?" "Maybe it's all the arguments. Maybe when you look at all of them together it's just like . . . what're we doing? What the hell do we think we're doing? 'cause on their own you've got pretty good at kickin' down all the individual arguments, Mustang, but it's like alchemy. All together they make this, this big unstoppable thing I can't get through, because-" "Ed, every last one of them is bullshit." "-because I was waiting for you at headquarters today and this soldier-" "Give me his name and I will have the bastard-" "Maybe he was right, have you ever thought about that? You must know the military isn't this happy fluffy gay-friendly place and-" "It doesn't matter." "-and what's weirdest of all is I don't, I never even thought about us like that, I don't think about it like that but other people do, you do-" "I'm comfortable with my sexuality, I wish everyone else could say the same for themselves. Ed, it doesn't matter. Officially the military just doesn't want to know what I do in my own bedroom." "And kitchen," Ed muttered, and choked into his hand. "How much does this 'officially' mean, really? Because you're not just a soldier, are you, you want to run them an' I'll be willing to bet there's stuff they won't overlook, like you fucking me every night-" "Not every night." "The shittest thing was, Roy, he wanted you in charge, this guy today. Said you were a good man. You are a good man," faintly, like it hurt him. "Like I'm a selfish shit for getting in the country's way of having you in charge of it . . ." "If the country doesn't want you by my side for it then it doesn't deserve me." Ed put his hands over his face again, dragged them down. "What'm I meant to do? When I leave you drag me back. When I try to explain you won't even listen, sanctimonious prick can't ever admit you're wrong, whatever I do-" "Ed . . ." "Is it really enough? This, between us, this is worth . . . ?" "Yes." Ed looked up at him, finally, met his eye, and he looked so tired and - like an adult, now, with everything that meant. "How do you know that?" Roy pushed himself out of the armchair. "Because I've lived without you before. Believe me, it's not worth it." He took Ed's elbow, the back of his neck, pulled him up. Ed came into his arms like he didn't have the strength to fight him, his forehead digging into Roy's shoulder like he was trying to dig through him. "I hate this," he said roughly. "I hate that stuff gets in the way, it shouldn't. Because it's only me an' you, how's it get all complicated like this-?" "I won't let it. Ed, I swear, if you run away from me to the other end of the planet I will just come after you. If you hide in Hell I'll come for you-" "Don't. Don't. If I do somethin' stupid you shouldn't have to get hurt for it." "Then use that as a reason not to do stupid things," Roy said, tilting his face up to kiss him. * The next morning Roy carefully, gently extricated himself from the clinging sprawl Ed tended to become after sex, showered, dressed, and stood beside the bed watching his lover sleep for some time. He thought about Al and Winry's wedding, it seemed so long ago now, how happy Ed had been just because Al was happy, clinging to Roy's arm and his smile made Roy's heart feel too big for his chest, but hadn't he felt like Roy had felt the bitter edge to the day, that they could never have . . . ? He wondered if it would help, if that offer of legitimacy would help, would make Ed believe that what they had together was worth everything whatever anybody else thought about it. He wondered if Ed was right and he was living in a fantasy world, that no-one would ever accept a gay Fuhrer, and pointing out that he was bisexual was not going to help - he'd known when he'd begun it that this relationship with Ed would make his ambitions more difficult. He could have overestimated his own ability to overcome the difficulties, maybe he really couldn't have both. And so which would he choose? It wasn't a choice he was strong enough to make. He couldn't risk waking Ed, he just had to control his breathing and watch him sleep instead of touching him, kissing him. He left a note on his pillow, took one last glance at him from the doorway, and closed the door quietly behind himself. When he came home that night, Ed was gone. * He woke with a slow sigh, and shifted in the bed, felt out for Roy's arm, found only mattress. Ed raised his head and blinked, mid-morning light wavering around the curtains, and when he pushed himself up on his elbows paper crinkled. Getting some work done so I might not be late home every night next week. I love you. He pulled his knees loosely to his chest, felt the familiar happy ache of last night's sex in his muscles, stared through half-closed eyes in the direction of the window. There was so much to think about now that he couldn't get a grasp on it, everything slid through his hands, it was too big. Last night, breath to breath, arms around Roy's neck, balanced over his lap and had they just turned sex into a way of not having to talk for just a little while-? No, no, no. It was about Roy. Everything made sense when they were like that, there couldn't be anything else. Just them, forever. And everything Roy believed in and wanted to be, dust. Ed squeezed his eyes closed, tightened his arms around his legs. When he'd been a kid he'd believed that Roy could work his way past anything, could weasel his way around all obstacles. But he knew the man now, he'd known him for years, shared his bed and his life and his demons. He was a mortal human being, he wasn't some sort of feckless smirking god, and he wanted to do something with his brief mortal life, he wanted to atone for the sin in it, and Ed knew that mattered, Ed knew that mattered - He did believe in Roy's I love you. But he still wasn't sure that what Roy felt for him was strong enough to be worth throwing away everything he needed to do for, given time Roy could forget and he could (his throat hurt) find someone else and he could have everything, not the choice of Ed or atonement but - but what? Happiness? Was he happy with Ed? He seemed it often enough, and he just didn't seem to want to let Ed go, when Ed tried to leave he pulled him back, came after him, Ed tried to cut the bonds between them and Roy just kept reeling him back in. And if Ed was strong enough to actually leave him, strong enough to make Roy rely on his own strength . . . "But I'm not." he muttered into his knees. "Know I'm not." He hadn't exactly made much effort to leave, had he? Told Roy where he was going, stayed there as if he was just waiting for him. Every night he'd laid there imagining how much Roy must hate him and imagining Roy appearing in the doorway, Roy coming for him, and his stomach squeezed and his eyes stung and he was a grown fucking ...
Mojaunicorn