{1276}{1335}All right, Kent! {1364}{1391}Go, Hayley. {1393}{1417}Seven minutes. {1422}{1463}Go get 'em, cowboy. {1465}{1513}See you in seven minutes. {1602}{1652}Stu, run it by me again. {1654}{1693}Kissing is first base. {1695}{1726}Second base is boob. {1729}{1765}- Third base is-|- Finger. {1769}{1827}- Finger?|- Or thumb. {1829}{1858}Okay. {1861}{1916}Charlie, trust me. {1918}{1978}Second base is what|it's all about. {1980}{2016}I'm all about|the boobies. {2019}{2067}Okay.|Anything else? {2069}{2131}An intentional walk|is a kiss on the cheek. {2134}{2189}An inside park home run|is a blow job. {2191}{2220}What's a blow job? {2223}{2261}I have no idea, {2263}{2297}but I overheard|my dad saying {2299}{2342}that he gets one|once a year on his birthday. {2345}{2390}So it must be good. {2697}{2728}Yeah! {2731}{2774}You, me. {2776}{2805}Closet. {2808}{2836}Seven minutes. {2839}{2860}Heaven. {2887}{2920}He's so gross. {2985}{3014}Sorry, Jennifer. {3210}{3232}Stop. {3244}{3266}Don't touch me. {3268}{3306}Stand on that side|of the closet, {3309}{3335}and I'll say we kissed. {3340}{3409}I will... if you say|we did the nasty. {3414}{3479}No.|I'll say we kissed. {3479}{3532}Say I touched|your boobies. {3534}{3604}No!|I'll say we kissed. {3606}{3652}Okay. {3654}{3695}I kissed your boobies. {4244}{4282}Anisha! {4452}{4496}Stop staring.|You're freaking me out. {4498}{4563}I'm looking at you|'cause I like you, Charlie. {4565}{4596}It's okay. {4599}{4637}Come on. You can|do what you want. {4639}{4706}That's okay.|I'm kind of new at this. {4709}{4742}Let me see your penis. {4776}{4829}What's the matter?|Don't you want me? {4858}{4898}Oh, my God! {4901}{4937}That's my boy. {4949}{4992}He's probably|blow-jobbing her. {5119}{5186}Anisha!|I can't breathe! {5188}{5215}I love you, Charlie. {5217}{5241}I've loved you|since the third grade. {5244}{5282}Um... thank you? {5284}{5325}So you like to play|hard to get. {5327}{5373}Back off! {5375}{5411}I've read|in my mom's Cosmo {5414}{5469}this is supposed|to increase pleasure. {5514}{5567}Don't worry.|This is my first time, too. {5570}{5618}First time what, killing? {5620}{5654}No, Charlie.|Making love. {5692}{5740}Get off me, you freak! {5865}{5941}Charlie Logan, you are not|my boyfriend anymore. {5944}{5970}I hex you! {5972}{6001}You what? {6004}{6083}I hex you.|You will never be happy. {6114}{6167}Around you love will fall|like rain. {6169}{6241}But you won't hold it.|Your heart will pain! {6243}{6287}Once the girl|has been with you, {6291}{6346}to the next she will be true! {6387}{6426}Was that Phil Collins? {6605}{6634}What happened? {6644}{6682}Did you thumb her? {7011}{7080}Charlie, we could get arrested|for public indecency. {7083}{7123}I like the way you think. {7598}{7656}Okay. {7809}{7852}All right! {7855}{7936}Oh, my-|Oh, my God, Carol. {7972}{8013}I love you. {8049}{8094}I love you! {8097}{8145}Thank you. {8147}{8185}I love you, Charlie. {8188}{8212}Oh, that's nice. {8260}{8303}"That's nice"? {8305}{8351}I'm licking the sand|off your balls, {8353}{8380}and you say,|"That's nice"? {8382}{8432}No, I said,|"Oh, my God" to that. {8435}{8516}I said, "Oh, my God"|very enthusiastically about the ball lick. {8519}{8576}Hey, listen, I'm sorry. {8579}{8648}I just don't think the "L" word|should be thrown around casually. {8679}{8737}The "L" word?|What are you, eight? {8742}{8816}How about the "F" word|and the "you" word? {9286}{9339}I can't believe|you and Carol went belly-up, man. {9341}{9370}She was so into you. {9372}{9439}Yeah, well, she was|a, uh, noisy eater. {9485}{9540}It's that word, Stu: love. {9542}{9600}I wanted to say it,|but I just- I couldn't. {9602}{9660}How can I say something|if I don't feel it? {9662}{9708}Easy. Lie. {9710}{9768}What do you think|all relationships are based on, man? {9770}{9794}Lies. {9799}{9859}"No, honey, your ass|looks great in those jeans." {9861}{9924}"Honey,|I love your parents." {9926}{9984}"You're kidding me. That sore right there?|That's not herpes." {9986}{10012}You know what I'm saying? {10015}{10068}So, then, who are you|taking to Katie's wedding? {10070}{10115}Oh, I don't know.|You want to go? {10118}{10154}Do bridesmaids give head|in the coat room? {10156}{10228}Of course I want to go! {10231}{10295}You know how easy it is|to score at a wedding? {10298}{10355}Have you ever scored|at a wedding? {10358}{10401}Pacing myself. {10403}{10442}Must be weird. {10444}{10482}You were dating Katie|six months ago, {10487}{10521}and now she's|marrying a doctor. {10523}{10561}I'm a doctor. {10564}{10612}He's a heart surgeon.|You're a dentist. {10617}{10662}It's like saying|General Patton and Colonel Mustard {10665}{10696}are both military men. {10698}{10744}Hi, Dr. Stu. {10746}{10770}Natalie. {10926}{10967}I jerk off|to her mammograms. {11000}{11041}God, I love my job. {11043}{11079}Every day is like Christmas. {11082}{11122}Who are you|working over today? {11230}{11281}Dr. Charlie,|you're five minutes late! {11283}{11324}You've got four fillings,|three cleanings, {11326}{11360}two crowns, and a canal. {11362}{11396}You've got too many patients, {11398}{11439}and I've got too little patience {11441}{11475}for you to be gabbing gossip {11477}{11523}with Dr. Boob Jobs in the hallway. {11525}{11561}How are you today, Reba? {11564}{11609}Were you just|looking at my tits? {11612}{11648}Because I am more than happy {11650}{11688}with what the Lord Almighty gave me. {11691}{11729}I wasn't looking at your- {11731}{11791}Come on, Dr. Charlie. {12012}{12117}I don't want anybody else {12122}{12216}When I think about you,|I rub myself {12221}{12324}I don't want|anybody else {12324}{12420}When I think about you,|I touch myself {12439}{12477}You are what- {12482}{12508}Okay, you're my wingman. {12511}{12551}If the blonde asks, {12554}{12611}I'm the billionaire|who invented string cheese. {12614}{12640}If it's that redhead, {12643}{12688}tell her I wrote|"We Are the World." {12691}{12743}And, uh, if it's|that cheerleader hottie over there, {12746}{12798}my penis is in|the Guinness Book of World Records: {12801}{12830}girth, not length. {12832}{12866}I want it to sound believable. {12868}{12904}Holy shit. {12983}{13026}Activate pelvis. {13280}{13350}Yo, yo, yo, hold on|to your pantyhose. {13352}{13415}The hostess|with the mostest {13417}{13453}has got a toastess. {13618}{13671}I just want to thank everybody {13674}{13724}for coming to share|this day with us. {13726}{13772}I couldn't imagine|being any happier {13774}{13808}than I am right now. {13810}{13858}Wait till tonight, sweetheart. {13892}{13930}I know it's|a little unorthodox, {13932}{14002}but I'd also like|to propose a toast... {14050}{14088}to Charlie Logan. {14091}{14211}Thank you, Charlie,|for being my lucky charm. {14213}{14235}To Charlie! {14237}{14285}- To Charlie.|- To Charlie. {14412}{14465}So, you're that Charlie? {14467}{14496}What Charlie? {14496}{14577}You know, Charlie,|the- the dentist. {15189}{15237}I'm sorry.|I'm sorry. {15242}{15275}- Oh, no. Are you okay?|- That's horrible. {15280}{15328}- I'm all right.|- I didn't- I didn't mean to. {15333}{15385}Sorry about that. {15388}{15419}Oh, jeez. {15421}{15455}Here you go. {15457}{15486}- Thanks.|- Sure. {15489}{15529}Oh. There I am. {15565}{15601}Join us. {15642}{15692}So, what did I miss? {15695}{15723}Not much. {15726}{15769}Same old-|I do, I do. {15771}{15803}"You may|kiss the bride." {15805}{15851}White cake|with raspberry filling, {15853}{15894}and the doves|being released, {15896}{15958}but the doves|refuse to leave. {16006}{16071}I'm Cam. I went|to college with the bride. {16074}{16126}I'm Charlie.|I used to date the bride. {16129}{16153}Me, too. {16193}{16253}Well, no. I mean,|it was a one-time-only {16258}{16292}experimental thing,|sophomore year. {16294}{16352}We were young.|And drunk. {16505}{16570}Is this person|being dipped in acid? {16572}{16661}Waiter, could we|have some chloroform for the singer? {16663}{16702}What are you going to sing? {16702}{16752}I'm thinking about|doing Bon Jovi "Livin' On a Prayer." {16754}{16790}Really?|That's the one I was going to do. {16793}{16824}- Oh, really?|- No. {16905}{16951}So, Cam, what do you do? {16953}{17013}I run the Penguin Habitat|at Aqua World. {17045}{17081}Seriously, what do you do? {17112}{17136}- Seriously?|- Yeah. {17138}{17162}I'm a serial killer. {17164}{17215}My passion is killing people|I meet at weddings. {17217}{17239}What do you do? {17241}{17301}FBl.|You're under arrest. {17303}{17351}Your run is over,|Miss "Wexler," {17354}{17407}if that's your real name. {17445}{17493}Actually, I am a dentist. {17495}{17524}You're a dentist? {17526}{17582}You'll love me.|Perfect teeth. No cavities. {17584}{17615}Want to see? {17644}{17680}Oh, my! My legs! {17685}{17730}I'm sorry. {17733}{17757}Water! {17795}{17824}Oh, no! {17826}{17855}I'm sorry. {17881}{17934}I'll just get in there and- {17965}{17992}- That's all right.|- I'm sorry. {17994}{18035}Wait.|Let me see, let me see. {18037}{18114}- Thanks.|- It looks like cum! {18133}{18167}Well, here I am. {18169}{18205}What are your other two wishes? {18239}{18296}Stu, Cam.|Cam, Stu. {18299}{18320}- Hi.|- Hi. {18322}{18380}It's actually Doctor Stu. {18382}{18416}I'm a reconstructive|surgeon. {18421}{18483}If anyone has an accident|or is born with a deformity, {18490}{18524}I'm there to help. {18526}{18579}And by deformity,|he means small breasts. {18617}{18651}He's just jealous {18653}{18706}because he has to clean|plaque all day long {18708}{18752}while I'm out|making the world a better place. {18785}{18843}Cam, you will not|believe this doofus {18845}{18888}that just tried to pick me up. {18888}{18922}Oh. Hi. {18924}{18946}Hi. {18948}{18975}- Again.|- Yeah. {18977}{19011}Yeah. {19037}{19066...
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